Freaks, perverts, paedophiles, morons, children

I suppose that it should come as no surprise to the longrunning readers of this blog (all three of you) that I have seen some pretty bad shit on the internet. Ask me about these things that I have seen on my long nights of surfing and I’m likely to adopt a thousand yard stare and drift off into my own private hell, a dark and shadowy level of consciousness filled with exploding fecalities, mutilated flesh, obsequiously prolapsed orifices and lavishly-detailed .gif animations of shiny-transparent furry pig-creatures swallowing terrified anthromorphised lion-men. While graphically masturbating with their tails (Seriously - damn you DeviantArt). And although all of these examples of human degradation are both horrifying and dehumanising, there is some primal corner of my brain that is still, for some reason, subtly impressed. Just as Victorian circusgoers paid their tuppence to go and throw roasted chestnuts at caged siamese twins, sometimes I find that a completely scientific examination of the perversions fetishes and weirdness that the sewers of the internet nourish can be both enlightening and illuminating. I mean, conventional standards of morality and decency, and hygiene, and ‘Oh Jesus Christ why the hell are you doing that’ may censure the tub girl, or the cup ladies, or the anus man, but at least these people are suffering for their art. They had a dream, and they followed it through to the very end. Sure, that dream may have been to vomit into each other’s rectums, but who are we to judge them for that? Aren’t all human beings, in their own special way, just as unique and perverted as that guy who has the HIV+ fetish?

The answer to that question is no. The majority of human beings fall far short of the achievements of those donkey-jerking self-castrating incontinent Olympian Titans who rule the darker, stickier corners of the web. The majority of human beings are boring. And personally, I find these people - the boring wastes who fill the forums and the discussion boards of the net - to be a thousand times more depressing than the goatses of the world. Because really, they don't add anything. They don't push no envelopes, they just repeat boring opinions and spout pointless bullshit about their favourite anime characters. These are people with nothing to offer anybody. People who just write words to fill space and get a bit of attention. Attention whores with none of the verve and style of the lemonparty.org chaps, people who think that just by flashing a bit of boob or poorly-worded political comment they can suddenly gain internet stardom. People who say LOOK AT ME I'M UNIQUE with nothing to offer.

Naturally, if we follow the line of breadcrumbs left by attention whores and pointless commenting on worthless issues, we of course naturally end up on Facebook. More specifically, Facebook groups devoted to people posting photographs of themselves for public consumption. There are loads of these floating about, mostly with names like ‘Man I love boobs’ or ‘Hott Grrlz post ur pics here’. Of course, these groups swiftly become choked up with white trash and fat fucking women posting horribly posed pictures of themselves with lots of cleavage showing, for example:

NB: Before you look at the pics: I wasn’t sure of the legality/privacy issues of using photographs of random people, some of them possibly minors, without their permission, for my own amusement on my blog. I think it’s ok, but just to protect my own ass, I replaced all of the faces on these people with that of actor Matthew Broderick:

Why Broderick? Firstly, I think he’s a good actor, ok? Secondly he’s handsome enough that even if you don’t like the pictures, you at least get to look at a lush man. Thirdly I think that appearing on this blog could give his career the boost that it undoubtedly needs. Anyway here are some pictures so you know the sort of thing I am talking about:


;)

This one was titled ‘me and muscly men’

o hay i didnt see u there

Pretty awesome, huh? All the boobs you could possibly want, coupled with Broderick’s handsome visage = prime masturbatory aids. Anyway, I’m sure that all of you are wondering what exactly I was doing cruising a ‘Girls post ur cleavage’ group on Facebook at two in the morning. The answer of course is that I was reading the comments posted to the photographs. They are literally some of the funniest shit ever written, and come in two lolsome flavours:

1: The girl in question/her friends saying OMG UR SUCH A SLUT LOL NICE BOOBS!11!!
2: Random creepy guys doing the internet equivalent of wolf whistling

Naturally my personal favourite is the creepy guys, who always seem to either be German or African, and who always write stuff like DAAAAAAYUM and I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU NAKED PLS and TAKE IT OFF! etc, etc. you know, the sort of stuff that an eloquent retard with a boner would say to Carmen Electra. It’s especially good when the girls get flattered by these inane comments and comment back which can often lead to some of the most inept and socially-retarded flirting ever known by man.

This brings us neatly to the tale of Mike and ‘Kelly’. Mike and Kelly are a beautiful internet couple that came together over this picture of Kelly, posted on one of these groups:



Pretty hot, huh? The resulting conversation, a seduction of almost Shakespearian proportions, I have transcribed below, with the addition of my own comments in brackets:

Mike wrote: (12:14am)
beautiful

[You can’t see her face in the above picture, but, err, not really. She has like the most HURRish face I’ve seen for a while, plastered onto a round bowling-ball head thing in combination with supremely shiny face and horrible squinty eyes – basically she looked like the Michelin Man ugly turtlefaced retard sister]

Kelly wrote: (11:26pm)
thank you very much... i try i guess... :D
love always & forever,
♥kelly♥

[First point: She clearly doesn’t try that hard, she’s a mess. I winced when she appeared on the screen. Also her actual Facebook picture is a snapshot of her taking a photograph of herself in a mirror with an inane grin on her face HURR. Also she appears to end every single one of her facebook wall posts with some combination of ‘love always and forever, HEART Kelly HEART. die]

Mike wrote: (11:31pm)
lol. you're so cute. : ]

[no she’s not]

Kelly wrote: (11:34pm)
thank you again... hey so how old are you??
love kelly♥

Mike wrote: (11:48pm)
14
you?

[Woah woah woah. Woah. Re-re wind. Stop. Let’s just stop this for half a second and do a tiny little bit of GCSE science.

AN EXPERIMENT TO CONFIRM MIKE’S REAL AGE
Aim: Decide whether or not Mike is actually 14
Hypothesis: Mike is 14 as he says so
Experiment: look at Mike’s facebook profile picture
Result: vvv

Conclusion: Mike is not 14 ]

Kelly wrote: (11:49pm)
oh my goodness.... :D lol im 15... :D your a cutie.
love always & forever,
♥kelly♥

[:-|]

Mike wrote: (11:51pm)
lol. thanks. so are you.
yeah.....birthday in august, then i'll be fifteen.



Kelly wrote: (11:54pm)
thanx lol my sisters birthday is in august too... lol
awesome! lol
love always & forever,
♥kelly♥

Mike wrote: (11:59pm)
haha. that's cool.
so how are you?

[At this point, Mike’s one-man Creepy Guy party is unfortunately crashed by Frank and Eric who totally muscle in on his girl, bastards]

Frank wrote: (12:56am)
marry me?

Eric wrote: (1:37am)
sleep with me?

Hurray for Frank and Eric! They know what they want and they do not fuck around. I think that Mike was annoyed at them and so left because there were no more messages between the two lovebirds after that. Alternatively they moved into a more tender setting – that of the facebook inbox. Who knows? Mike could be pounding Kelly’s tender vag into lasagne with his massive greasy schlong right now. Hmph.

Frankly I don’t know who I am more depressed by in this situation. On the one hand you have Mike, who is literally the World’s Crappest child groomer. Not only did he not bother to change either his profile picture OR educational information to make it look like he was, in fact, fourteen, he also chose some monumentally ugly girl to chat up on the internet (with chatup techniques that were frankly sub-Oli-Gill). I mean for fuck’s sake, at least ineptly seduce somebody partly hot. I had the same problem with those guys who kidnapped that Shannon girl. Seriously, all the children in the world and you want to have sex with that? Pathetic. So frankly Mike has made a laughing stock of the entire previously serious issue of child abduction and internet grooming.
But on the other hand, we have Kelly who ACTUALLY FELL FOR IT. And on reflection, I’m actually more disappointed in her. Seriously what a dickhead. Recently, there have been all of these worries in the media about children posting too much personal information about themselves on Facebook or Bebo or MySpace, and it seems that the main response that the children give is that ‘It’s a case of common sense, children are a lot more self aware than adults give them credit for’. No they’re not. If Kelly’s any indication, children are fucking stupid. So she’s ruined Facebook for everybody under 18. Whore.

In conclusion: children should get the fuck off my internet. Stupid, boring and unimpressive people should get the fuck off my internet. In fact, the only people who should be allowed ON my internet are freaks and weirdoes. At least the Meatspin.com guy knows exactly what he’s doing.