If you don't watch British Big Brother, don't even bother reading this

'HI GUYS. THIS IS DAVINA MCCALL. WELCOME TO BIG BROTHER SERIES WHATEVER. I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS, I MEAN EVEN MORE EXCITED THAN ANY OF THE OTHER SERIES, AND EVEN MORE EXCITED THAN POP IDOL OR FAME ACADEMY OR THAT ADVERT FOR HAIR DYE I DO. THIS IS SO EXCITING. I'M SO EXCITED. LOOK AT ME WALKING ABOUT. HEY LOOK A WATER-BED. BOUNCY BOUNCY. I TALK VERY EXCITEDLY IN IAMBIC PENTAMETER AND I STRESS EVERY SILLY-BILL BECAUSE ... I ... AM ... SO ... EXCITED. HEY CHECK IT OUT I'M PREGNANT. OH MY GOD WE ARE SO EXCITED. LET'S LOOK AT SOME MORE CONTESSTANTS INNN THE BIIIIIIIIIGIIIIIIIG BROTHEF HSOUSSZZZE OMGSSSSSGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG"

Bzz.

Scottish Man Voiceover: Unfortunately, Davina Mccall has just suffered a slight hitch. Trained technical advisors are currently re-installing her motherboard and rebooting her core software program. In the meantime, please watch this film about the mating rituals of small birds to the sound-track of 'Ironic' by Alanis Morisette. It's catchy and it really does have something relevant to say about the semantics of the English language, too. You know, getting in a traffic jam while you are late REALLY IS ironic. Because that's what a definition of irony is. Getting stuck in traffic at an inappropriate time. Irony. It basically means 'An unfortunate set of circumstances'. No, really.

...

Scottish Man Voiceover: Good news everybody! Davina is back online! Let the show begin!


"HI GUYS!"

... And so it continues.

I just watched the entire Big Brother launch show. Oh boy. Oh. Boy. I'm speechless for a variety of reasons. Fifteen reasons, to be precise. The first is the indescribably annoying vocal gestations that eminated from the becrippled orifices of Davina "I HAVE A MICROPHONE BUT I DON'T CARE" Mccall. The other fourteen are currently walking around the architectual and aesthetic abortion of style that is the Big Brother house, all being really polite to each other and getting stinking drunk, just to show the rest of the world what a great country Britain is.
Or perhaps they're all slumped on the floor, clawing at their throats as their lungs disintegrate and their sinuses splinter. Perhaps it was all an elaborate and grisly practical joke on the part of Channel 4 who have flooded the entire building with Zykon B and are going to film the decomposing corpses for the next 13 weeks. I would find that far more fun and I would probably get a greater amount of intellectual stimulation than I'm going to receive from the antics of the current bumper-crop of cretins, ignorati and inbreds.

"Cretins, ignorati and inbreds? Thomas, please tell me more, I was in a coma and managed to miss the incarceration ceremony," I hear you cry. Well, you are in 'luck', for I have compiled the lowdown on year's list of A-Students. It's awesome AND CONCISE, but be warned, I don't think I'm going to be able to describe any of these people without repeatedly using the word 'Cunt'. I know, I know, that word hates women and it makes my mother sad when I use it. But hey, at least she won't be ashamed as the mothers of some of these meatheads, whom I have taken the liberty to condense down into ten words or less:

Bonnie: Stupid ugly slut chav cunt.
Pete: Annoying hyperactive tourettes cunt. ("I have tourettes WANKER *Whistle*")
Mickey: Bland conventional wannabe longhaired cunt.
Grace: Vacant posh bimbo cunt.
Nikki: Dumb spoiled vacuous whore plosive cunt. ("I think I'm just special")
Glyn: Stupid pubescent gay nudist idiot cunt.
Imogen: The Fit One... welsh cunt.
George: Stupid posh royal fuckface cunt.
Lea: Old skanky surgery-whore hag cunt. ("I don't consider myself to be a freak... I consider myself abnormal")
Richard: Moron american uber-queer dickhead cunt.
Sezar: Dumb arrogant rich fucker cunt.
Shabaz: Old gay paki cunt. ("I want to show the world that not all gay pakis are terrorists")
Dawn: Token black miserable activist cunt.
Lisa: Loud vacant grating chinky scouser cunt.

Wow. Just wow. Big Brother has really outdone himself this time. I was particulary impressed with Lea (aka Old skanky surgery-whore hag cunt)'s interesting viewpoint on herself - "I don't consider myself to be a freak... I consider myself abnormal". Think about that for a second. Now, ignoring the fact that she just totally owned by the homonym system that has, at some point, been implemented into this beautiful language that we call English, I was particulary struck by how she had managed to exactly pinpoint just exactly what is bizarre about this series of BB. They're all freaks.

All of them. I mean, usually they have a couple of weirdos in the house, just to make things fun. But literally, this time they have got 14 hunks of 100% pure transvestite lesbian homosexual used-to-be-a-man moron activist rapist criminal mentally ill retarded hunks o'housemate. I dread to think what the 15th (the one who wins a place in the house after getting a golden ticket in a chocolate bar) is gonna be like. Think about it - what kind of fuck-up is gonna want to just drop everything in their life and go and live in a weird rubber house with a bunch of monkeys for thirteen weeks on the basis of a bit of paper found IN A KIT-KAT? I'll tell you what kind of fuck-up: A student. Damn students.

You know what? They've gone this far already, I say why not go the whole hog and next year, fill the Big Brother house with ACTUAL FREAKS. And when I say freaks, I don't just mean people who are a bit odd. I mean people with actual physical and mental deformities. I'm talking midgets, dwarves, people with cystic fibrosis, cripples, lesbians, bearded ladies, elephant men, crocodile children, CRAB PEOPLE, the entire cast of Tod Browning's seminal 1932 classic "Freaks" (Tagline: Can a grown woman really love a MIDGET?), really tall people, the harlequin baby, the wolf man, the woman from tubgirl.com, that girl whose skin is turning into bone, people who do A Level Physics, a guy with AIDS, bald people, homocidal manaics, people with alien hand syndrome, the elderly, etc. You get me? It'd be awesome and, I think, would go down amazingly well, especially seeing as this series has already turned into "Let's all laugh at that weird guy with tourettes as he spasms and falls down the stairs!"

Heh, classic. They could hold the next season (which I believe is the 8th) in a giant circus tent. And instead of voting people off the show, they would be fired out of a cannon INTO the lion pit. And they'd have to do tasks like jumping through rings of fire or biting the heads off live chickens or getting gang-banged by fifteen alliterative clowns cranked on crack. And, to suit the frrrrrrreakish nature of the new season, it would be presented by the decapitated heads of Davina Mccall, Dermot O'Whogivesashit and Russel Brand, grafted onto the body of a German Shepherd. Like so:



Awesome. I did an eye and everything. I rule so hardcore. HARDCORE. I should be on Big Brother. I would murder every housemate in their sleep in the first evening. They'd never be able to prove it was me.