No. 5

I know that most of the people who read this blog have an IQ level of 'Technically Retarded', but if you can, cast your mind back into the far, distant future, when I wrote a post about Various shit blogs that have been cluttering up the internet. Remember the furore that post stirred up? Many of the weird creeps that stalk the sacred halls of this so-called Information Superhighway came sliding out of the woodwork like a bunch of hypothetical tongues covered in lube to batter me with badly thought-out insults and whiny complaints about me pointing out their total failure at life. Amongst the most crushing insults, I was told:

"Dude your blog sucks seriously 60 comments about nothing this blog is a total waste of space", but that comment was by some guy called Derek, so I am inclined to disregard it.

"Butt Fuck for the fun of it," not quite sure how relevant it was, but hey, "Littlenigglet" is welcome to come back anytime and spread his metaphorical wisdom to all who cares to read about it.

"If you're going to laugh at this, want to get a kick out of my friend that was murdered a month ago as well?" from some woman. Wait... her friend died? Heh.



I can usually simply laugh off the complainy comments. Because, after all, people who don't like my blog are wrong, and basically analagous with retarded kids, and you wouldn't get angry at a retarded kid if he didn't know how to tie his shoelaces and he stuck his penis into an electricity socket, would you? No, you'd laugh at him. So there's no point in me beating up those retarded kids with my garden hose of wit, because, lets be honest, beating up retarded kids with garden hoses is only fun for the first twenty minutes before it just becomes sad. So I decided to let them be. But then I saw a comment that was so awful, so horrific, and by a woman so RIPE for murderous insulting that, well, I just HAD to contribute my unique little perspective on the horrific way she's botched up her life.
This was the comment in question, posted by a beautiful Caliban that shall henceforth be known simply as Chrissie:

Pretty amusing that you find such fault with peoples blogs that A) need to post about it and B) venture back to see if anyone noticed you posting about it.
Pretty funny shit. If your like... 12.
oh and word verification... is for twats.

Now... like I said, I'm a pretty forgiving guy. So therefore... I could forgive the pretty massive and obtrusive use of... ellipsis (Twice in one comment? What the hell were you thinking, woman?), as well as... the pretty annoying repetition of the word... 'pretty'. I... could even forgive the fact that there was a certain lack of personal pronouns in the first sentence, the misuse of 'your', and the lack of capitalisation on 'oh'... Even the fact that you HILARIOUSLY called me a 12 year old (I'm actually SEVEN, just with an abnormaly large vocabulary and a well-read, sideways view of the world) could be put down to the fact that you were probably working through your seventeenth Krispy Kreme while you pounded out that literary gem of a comment, and thus were obviously well into that kerazy SUGAR-RUSH that you 29-stone-queens get so often.
But what I cannot, under ANY circumstances forgive is an act of such blasphemy that it burns a tiny hole in the back of my eyes, just looking at it. Your final words, they make me cry. They make baby Jesus cry. They even make Squirrel Baby cry.



WORD VERIFICATION IS NOT FOR TWATS. Word Verification owns your ass. Without word verification, where would we be? A world full of spam for fancy dress stores and lawnmowers, a world without words like "mysado" or "zzrsrys" or my personal favourites, "sunxwap" and "dueyfock":


In short, a total living HELL. And that's what you want to consign us to, is it, Chrissie? A hell? You bitch. I hate you already and I haven't even read your blog properly.

*Interval music plays... doo doo da*

Ok, I have read Chrissie's blogs carefully, and now I hate her more than ever. As it turns out, Chrissie is one of those uninteresting people who make up for the fact that they have nothing important to say by saying lots and LOTS of unimportant, uninteresting things in order to kind of balance out the overal karmic intervals or something. As such, she has THREE blogs, although to be fair, one of them is a tester blog, featuring such awe-inspiring posts as "This ia a test...a big test...TEESSSSSSSTTTTTT!!" (the ellipsis returns... and how the hell do you mispell 'is'? IT'S TWO FUCKING LETTERS LONG!), so I can't really count it in my reckonings. Everybody has tester blogs full of bad HTML and worse spelling. Even me.
So I can't count the tester blog. Which is a shame, because it's probably better written and full of more cohesive thought than the other two blogs put together. Oh well, c'est la vie.

But before I get to the blogs, I just have to attack the blogger itself. Because there's no fun in ripping somebody's work to shreds for no reason if you haven't insulted the person being ripped to shreds first. Firstly, this is how "Chrissie" defines herself:

38yr old slightly crazy virgin in Cali-fornia (Arnold Style) who smells like vanilla jasmine and has 3 kids, 2 dogs and 5 cats, yep. I said 5.

What the fuck. Notice, I'm so amazed, I didn't even use a question mark. Slightly crazy virgin? With 3 kids? Now those three statements can't possibly make sense. I know that she's probably pretty stupid, but she must know the basics of biology. If you have kids, you must have had sexual intercourse first. It's kind of a required rule. Ergo, concordantly, vis a vis, you wouldn't be a virgin. That's just how the cookie crumbles. Unless of course, she adopted those three kids. But would an adoption agency give three little chinese babies to a woman described as "slightly crazy", and missing the basic concepts of comma placement? I don't think so. So she can't possibly be those things. So she's embarassed herself there.
Unless, of course, she was being ironic (unlikely), or she's one of those kooky mother earth types who has re-born herself as a 'sacred virgin' and wanders around all day eating lotus flowers and organic honey. But then she portrays a total SEX KITTEN with the following blog description of giving an apple oral pleasure (no, really), and her blogger picture.
Ah, the blogger picture.

It has a picture of the back of a beautiful half naked woman who's arse has apparently been sprayed with some black fluidlike fibres, possibly from a giant spider. Now, I'm not a betting woman, but I would wager apples to acorns that Chrissie does not actually look like that in real life. I don't know why, it's just a hint.
In fact, using the miracle of the Photoshop Ditital Pixel Image Re-Manipulator and some awesome hacking skillz, I have been able to digitally reformat the image back into its more realistic version. I know, it's far fetched, but fuck, in CSI they have the ability to take a grainy CCTV shot of about four pixels and zoom in into the reflection in a woman's eye and catch the murderer by reading the words written on the back of his tshirt, and nobody complains about that. Perhaps because in CSI they are solving murders and they all look sexy, whereas in this case I'm just making fun of a woman on the internet for no reason and, to date, I am NOT sexy. In fact, I look like I've been hit by a dumper truck full of alcohol and sweat. Damn you, Scodka! (vodka with skittles in it).

Chrissie actually looks like this:



Except fatter. And instead of holding a wilting flower, she has five Big Macs, some Super-Sized Fries, a Bacon McFlurry, a big ol' bag o' salt, two bottles of ketchup and a Diet Coke the size of a dustbin. And she's probably wearing trakkie-beeees. Right, now we know her, its time to make fun of her actual BLOGS.

Blog No. 1: Blog By Force
First thing I notice about this blog is that the URL title is "Minx67". I don't trust people who have 'Minx' at point in their virtual name. Same goes for 'Girl', 'Grrl', 'Cutie', 'Hot', 'Nympho', 'Froufrou', 'Crazy', 'Mad', 'Star', 'Superstar', 'Rockstar', 'G', 'Baby', 'Lil', 'Sex', 'Sexy', 'Bigboy', 'Fittie', 'Lol', 'xxx', 'May', 'Psycho', 'Angel', 'Jesus', 'Fresh', 'Kitten', 'Puppy', 'Fluffy', 'Kiss', 'Tongue', 'Lips', 'Growl', 'John', 'Sporty', 'Devil', 'Demon', 'Sprite', 'Jammy', 'Curvy', 'Naughty', 'Massivetool4u', 'Honey', 'Dude', 'Mini', 'Hello', 'Pixie', 'Fairy', 'Lol', 'Pothead', 'Scary', or 'WilliamShatner'. I can go on. It's my theory that if you feel the need to put 'minx' as your display name, you are anything BUT a minx. And the word 'curvy' = 'fat', in case you were wondering.

The second thing that I notice is a giant picture of a half naked mermaid. A MERMAID. For feck's sake. Why do people like mermaids so much? They are the least sexually appealing creatures on the planet. I mean, I could understand, kind of, the reasoning behind, say, a cat fetish (they exist. I can find the website if you really want) but MERMAIDS? FISHWOMEN? WHY? WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID? ALL THEY FUCKING DO IS SWIM ABOUT SINGING ABOUT HOW GREAT IT IS TO LIVE UNDER THE SEA AND LURING SAILORS TO THEIR DEATHS. I hate mermaids with a burning passion. If I had my way, the navy would cover every square foot of the sea with depth charges and liquidate these watery bints. I mean, it'd wipe out most of the sealife (including the clams), but who cares about coral? When's the last time a piece of coral did something for me?

Apart from the top, this blog is actually just mediocre, as opposed to being generally offensively bad. Except for the picture of the arse. I have also noticed that apparently she's friends with the Trailer of Love Guy, which explains why she'd decided to provoke my unholy wrath in the first place. Ooh, the plot thickens. But it's with the second blog that it gets really fun:

Blog No.2: Badly Written Erotic Fiction!
Be aware if you are going to click on that link, there are a big pair of grey boobs at the top of the page, which may be offensive to some readers. Not as offensive as the stupid-ass background which is, coincidentally, the SAME COLOUR AS THE FRIKKIN TEXT, so it's nigh-on impossible to read the text. Which, it turns out, isn't really a bad thing.

It's a generally accepted rule on the internet that erotic fiction is a waste of space. And time. And, generally, air. The stories on this site don't really break that rule. I have more important things to do than waste my time reading the wanky verbal diahraeoaoaoeoaoeaoaoeeeeaoah of some 67 year old who thinks that her writings are clever and soul affirming, but the first story appears to be about a man going shopping. He comes across a woman and OH MY GOD THEY END UP HAVING SEX. There are 0 comments. Apparently all the thousands of people appreciating the literary power on display here are just so catatonic by such alluring sentences like "his lips were on hers, setting her afire with a raw heat she could feel from her very core" that they were literally unable to type their appreciation.
The second story appears to be about a man who walks about a house. He comes across a woman and OH MY GOD THEY END UP HAVING SEX.
The third story is about a boy who is doing some chores. He comes across a woman and OH MY GOD THEY END UP HAVING SEX.

But god-forbid I imply that all the stories are badly written, repetitive and pointless. God FORBID. No, in fact they appear to appeal to a wide range of fetishes and perversions. For example, story no. 1 appeals to people who enjoy badly written, repetitive, pointless sex scenes in the shower. Story no. 3 appeals to a much more select fraction of the population - those turned on by strange and redundant punctuation marks.

"“It’s OK sweetie,” she replied. “You’re young and should rebound quick. Let’s get you out of those pants and into the shower.”

No, stop it, please, that's just too hot.

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A very special Comedy Mohammed No. 10:



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