If you're a newcomer to chainsawzombie.blogspot.com, read the previous post before even trying to decipher this one

... back? Now go and read as many of the comments as you can manage. At the time of writing, there are 154. By the time I'm finished with this blog, who knows? They start off pretty sensibly, but it all starts to go to hell at around the 95 mark, which proves my belief that humanity is essentially savage and, given enough time on our own, we're all going to dis-evolve down to our primitive savage monkey forms and throw poo at each other and listen to Crazytown and murder our captors, like in that book by HG Welles.

But I digress.

154 comments. 154. Wow. Woweee. I'm literally speechless. And I thought the way to get people to comment was to write clear, inciteful posts in which you get to the heart of certain social and moral issues in a way that is both thought-provoking and amusing. I had no IDEA that all you had to do was to write a load of random shit insulting various people, and then the entire bloody fan-club would swoop down like a pack of metaphorical harpies (or herpes, go wild) to support and argue their way through ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY FOUR COMMENTS. Note to self: Include pointlessly contentious issue in every post from now on.

So, those arabs, eh? With the tea-towels on their heads? Kerazy lil' fellas. I reckin we should just give 'em all the bombs they want. They'll soon get bored.

But I digress.

But seriously... ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY FOUR COMMENTS? WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU PEOPLE THINKING? Why does anybody care that much about the relative fatness of Lucia's sister? I mean, its not that we'll ever really know her true weight. It'd require a set of power-lifter strength scales and one of those huge industrial construction cranes to winch her onto them, and I'll be damned if I'm sorting out those. Let's just chalk the lardisitude of Ali as one of the great mysteries of life (Like the meaning of Stonehenge, or the average weight of a blue whale). Perhaps she's fat. Perhaps she's not. Let's just leave it at that. Although, Googlefight seems to agree with the theory that she is. I'm not saying anything, but that's just what the fight concludes, and I've never known the fight to be wrong before.

But I digress. Seriously, people, 154 comments? Why? And who gives a shit who could have won in the wussfight between Nat and Paul? The point is: they're both women. That was what I was trying to get across, ok? I mean, for Christ's sake, THEY WEAR PINK CLOTHES. Pink is a girl's colour. Wasn't it one of God's commandments when he came down from his bungalow on the Moon, back in the Bible? THOU SHALT EAT FISH FROM THE SEA AND THOU SHALT GROW CROPS FROM THE GROUND AND IF I SEE A BOY WEARING PINK CLOTHING, I'LL BE PISSED OFF AND WILL BE FORCED TO DO SOME RITEOUS SMITING. Come to think about it, immediately after Paul wore that pink tshirt on Saturday, the London Whale died. THANKS A LOT PAUL. Whalekiller.

But I digress.

I guess that I should be pleased that so many people in accordance with me with me about everything. It's not often that you have 154 people totally agreeing with you and validating your every word. Hey, I probably have a greater approval rating than President Bush!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Blogdog: "OMG POLITICAL JOKE!!!!!1!!!!!1!!1!11")
Oh yeah, did I mention that, by commenting, you automatically agreed with everything I said? Perhaps I should have made that clear. By commenting, you automatically agree with everything I say, and you must love me as your father and God. You also owe me money. Sorry, that's just how it goes. Should have read the small print.

Except nobody obviously told this girl. Known only as Anon, she was obviously upset, both by my blog, and by the surgeon who stuffed his arm down her throat and ripped out her sense of humour with a ladle, and is probably riding the cotton pony, so she posted a very hurtful comment on my blog. I guess that she decided to take out all her stresses and insecurities about the world out on something, and I was the most attractive nearby person for her to focus her female attentions on. But hey, its ok, I can take it *sniff*. If she thinks that this is the worst tongue lashing I've recieved from a girl this week, well, then... boy oh boy. Here was the comment in question:

OK, Tom Philips, or whoever you are, whatever, I dont care. Now, you dont know me, and I dont know you, but what I do know from reading your blog is that you the most:
selfish, self congratulary , egotistic, arrogant, sexist, know it all, sad-loser-who-spends-a-substancial-time-blogging, pathetic, shallow, insulting PRAT I think I have ever been unfortunate enough to come across, why dont you just take some peoples advice and stop being a cock.
Have a good day,
Anon

(by the way, if you were wondering how I knew it was a girl... well, only a girl would count 'sexist' as being a bad thing. Everyone else - ie. sane people like me - sees sexism for what it is: an infinite source of comic potential. Alternatively, the anonymous commenter was Paul/Nat, or one of these touchy-feeling "new men" types. Which means that I'd still be technically within my rights to use the feminine pronoun... ba-zing)

Well, first things first: I'll give credit where credit's due - she was very polite at the end. I will have a good day, thank you. Also, most of her words were spelt correctly (with the right number of letters and EVERYTHING!!!!). Several words necessary for it to make complete sense are missing, but the ones that ARE present build up a very nice picture of what was running through her head, along with all the horses and pretty flowers and topless pictures of Prince William and all the other pointless crap that girls think about.

To be honest, I enjoyed this comment so much, I wanted to share it with ALL MY FRIENDS (read: action figures... I don't have any REAL friends, I scared them all off with my acid tongue and caustic wit). Anyay, I decided that I'd make a night of it. So I printed a load of cards, rented out the church hall, invited all my action figures round, made some punch and buns, dressed up in my most dapper tuxedo, then played Weak-ass Insult Bingo!



In case you were wondering, I won. This is because I'm amazing, and I win everything. But I digress.

I mean, you'd think that this comment would make me slightly annoyed (I mean, she didn't even get my name right, even though it has been written roughly 15,000 throughout the comments, and requires less effort to spell than "Philips"). But no. It has actually made me deliriously happy, for two important reasons.
Firstly, I thought that the art of good debating had died along with Stalin, but this girl's FABULOUS use of the 'ad hominem' argument structure has proven to me that this is anything but true. I also liked the interesting way she directly contradicted herself several times, and way that she failed to finish the first sentence... magic.
Secondly, this comment offers me some sense of security for the future. Because now I know that as long as there are there are brave people like Anon out there, I can be safe in the knowledge that when our Ant Overlords finally come down from Up-High to invade, crush and enslave us, there will ALWAYS be people willing to work in the sugar mines. Because, Christ, I was worried that there wouldn't be enough menial labour to go around when King Anthoteph strolled into town. You've managed to dispell that fear, baby. Thank you.

Ok, that's enough of that.

Honestly, how fucking stupid are you? It's like somebody tied a plank of wood to a doorstop, beat it with the stupid stick for an hour and a half, then kicked it down the Stairs of DUH into the University of Yokel where it took a Masters in NOT BEING VERY INTELLIGENT. Does nobody understand the basic concepts of irony, hyperbole or even SARCASM any more? I SAY THE WORD 'IRONIC' ROUGHLY THREE TIMES EVERY BLOG, JUST TO KNOCK IT INTO YOUR HEADS, AND YET STILL PEOPLE THINK THAT I'M BEING SERIOUS. WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER?
You know what? I give up. You're all a lost cause. In the future, I'm just going to fill this blog with racist jokes and reviews of William Shatner's teeth.

How many black people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three, because they're really stupid.


I really like Will's teeth in this picture. You can see every nook and cranny of his big 'bugs bunny' gnashers. If he had a piece of spinach stuck in his teeth, I bet that you'd be able to see THAT, too! God that's hot. LOL.

Do you like that? Do you? Do you? Is that what you'd rather see? Racist jokes and Shatner's teeth? Because I can do that. Any time. So easily. That's what this blog is going to be like if you lot don't buck your ideas up. I mean it. Sigh. Ok, one more time. This picture was aimed at ANON, but I'm pretty sure that it could be fired at humanity in general, so pretend that 'fuck' has an s on the end and pluralise yourselves:



The Twin Towers? Oh yes I did go there. Cutting.

I hope that everybody noticed that I altered the shadows on the lettering, according to the relative distances from the "sun". That's an artistic touch that the little shit who drew this picure failed to include. Clammy palmed retard.